Improving Parenting Skills Using Coaching

"Coaching is unlocking a person’s potential to maximise their own performance. It is helping them learn rather than teaching them" (Whitmore, J, 2004)

If we are to define coaching in this way then it would seem that this is an obvious way of helping our children to grow and develop, especially as they enter teenage years when they tend to take less kindly to parental orders and direction.
But how many parents do actually adapt their style as their children grow older and consciously take a coaching approach which might not only take away some of the anxiety they face but also allow their children to flourish into mature adults.

Put simply coaching is about asking questions which allows the coachee (in this case your child) to reflect, deepen their self-awareness, learn, consider options and identify their own course of action. This process helps to develop your child’s ability to reflect (whether this is about their own behaviour and values, or a situation), it helps them to take responsibility for thinking through some of the dilemmas they are faced with and it increases their confidence that they do have many of the answers themselves. The more you ask them questions rather than tell the more your children will instinctively learn to ask these questions of themselves better equipping them to problem solve as they enter the adult world.

So what might be a typical coaching scenario? Your 13 year old daughter has come home and told you about a disagreement between friends which threatens her own friendship. You could just tell her what she should do…but let’s face it you weren’t there to witness the confrontation and there is a good chance that whatever advice you give will fall on deaf ears….after all ‘you do not understand!’
Instead you could start by asking a few questions such as ‘How do you see the situation?’, ‘What do you think the real issue is here?’ ‘How does x person see it’ ‘How does y person see it?’ ‘What is important to you here?’ ‘If you were a teacher what advice would you give?’ ‘What would you like to do now?’

Another scenario may be when your son comes home from a party having drunk too much alcohol and got into a fight. Whilst you may want to be assertive and express your own views, if this is the only approach you take what learning will there be in it for your son? They may learn not to come home drunk again (and instead sleep over at a mate’s house) but that is all. Another approach would be to help them learn from the scenario ‘How did it happen?’ ‘What part did you play in this?’ ‘How might you avoid this in future?’ ‘What do you now need to do to sort this out?’ ‘What have you learned from this?’ As you ask questions you avoid conflict and you are there to listen, help your son reflect and give them support. How much more powerful is this approach than a confrontation which will end in a row and only increase the chances weakening your parent-child relationship?

So next time you are faced with a scenario where you are tempted to jump in with your own response think about those questions that you might ask instead. You may be pleasantly surprised by the mature response you get back, consider how this will be preparing our child for life as an adult and think about the rewards of a strengthened relationship you will reap as they appreciate the space and support you are giving them.

About The Author:-


Louise Yates is a performance coach. She uses her own adaptation on the grow coaching model and oskar coaching model to deliver success to her clients.